


Tell Me How To Reach You

by rabbithole26



Category: Fifth Harmony (Band)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-20
Updated: 2015-06-20
Packaged: 2018-04-05 08:57:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,775
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4173768
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rabbithole26/pseuds/rabbithole26
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>She figures it just means that they really are best friends. She's sure that everyone must think about their best friend like this deep down. Lauren doesn't give it a second thought.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Tell Me How To Reach You

When Lauren is five years old, she gets so sick that her mom lets her stay in bed all day and watch Disney movies. She’s on her third of the day, Beauty and the Beast, and she just can’t wait until she gets older and meets her Prince. They’ll get married and have kids just like her parents, because that’s what boys and girls do when they get older. She smiles at the thought. 

...

When Lauren is eleven, her friends start getting boyfriends now that they are in middle school, and everyone keeps pestering her, asking who she likes. She picks out a couple of the cutest boys in her grade and decides that they can be her crushes, because that’s what everyone else does. It’s doesn’t seem to be a matter of feelings for her, it’s simply a choice. 

One night Lauren goes to the movies with her first boyfriend, Alec, and he kisses her goodnight. It’s just a peck, but it’s her first kiss. She doesn’t understand what the big deal is because she doesn’t think it was all that great in the first place. It didn’t feel like fireworks, or butterflies, or anything else her friends have told her it would be like. Later, she starts wondering what it would be like to kiss her best friend Alexa, but she doesn’t say anything about it. She figures it just means that they really are best friends. She’s sure that everyone must think about their best friend like this deep down. 

Lauren doesn’t give it a second thought.

...

Lauren turns fifteen and she is dating boys left and right, because that’s just what girls do at this age. She likes having a boyfriend. Boys are cute, boys give her attention, and when she’s dating someone she gets to talk about him with all of her friends, all of her family, and it makes her feel normal.

Not that she ever wasn’t normal, but she likes this life. It’s simple. 

When she is there to witness her older cousin get proposed to by her boyfriend of four years, at a family dinner, everyone is so excited that she feels a pang of jealousy. She thinks about spending the rest of her life with one guy and she just can’t see it. She’s never felt this “love” that people talk about, not with any of her boyfriends. Lauren assumes she just hasn’t met the right guy yet.

“That will be you one day,” her aunt tells her while they’re washing the dishes later.

Lauren doesn’t know why, but for some reason she’s not so sure.

...

When Lauren is sixteen she tries out for The X Factor. She makes it.

She’s never been this excited for anything in her life. The first day of boot camp she sees another girl from Miami with dark hair and dark eyes, and for some reason Lauren can’t stop staring. Lauren decides she can’t look away because the girl just seems really cool, and she must want to be friends with her.

So they become friends. Best friends. 

Lauren doesn’t give it a second thought. 

...

“What was your first kiss like?” Camila asks, laying out on the couch, her head in Lauren’s lap.

“I don’t know. Quick,” Lauren responds nonchalantly, playing with the younger girl’s hair. 

“That’s it? That’s all you remember?”

“Yeah, I mean it was my first boyfriend. It was no big deal. I don’t think I even really liked the kid that much.”

“Then why were you dating him?”

Lauren lets out a chuckle, “I guess because he had a crush on me. But it was hardly ‘dating’ at that age, we kissed once and broke up a few months later.”

Camila frowns slightly, but Lauren doesn’t notice.

“I want my first kiss to be memorable. I want there to be fireworks.”

Lauren looks down, puzzled, “Wait, you’ve never been kissed?”

“No,” Camila responds quietly. 

“Wow, what was wrong with the boys at your school?” Lauren asks, floored at the idea that none of them had tried to date the gorgeous girl staring up at her.

“I was never very popular so they didn’t even try. Not that I ever wanted to kiss any of them anyways...” 

Camila doesn’t elaborate on the thought, but she won’t meet Lauren’s gaze for the next half hour. It wouldn’t have mattered anyway because Lauren’s gaze keeps resting on the other girl’s lips. 

Suddenly, Lauren has this weird feeling in the pit of her stomach. She doesn’t know where to place it, though, so she doesn’t give it a second thought.

...

Lauren is seventeen now and has been in LA for the past few weeks, working on Fifth Harmony’s first EP. It’s like a dream. The girls have a day off tomorrow, so they’re at some party in one of the Emblem 3 boy’s basements. Lauren’s drunk, playing beer pong with Camila, and that’s when she gets that feeling again. That feeling she used to get with Alexa, the one that starts making her think about kissing Camila. 

Which is kind of weird, now that she actually thinks about it, because her boyfriend Keaton is right across the room, but she hasn’t thought about him once tonight. She blames it on the alcohol, even though a quiet voice in her head is telling her that she wasn’t drunk when she was eleven years old and thinking about Alexa. 

Lauren silences her thoughts by dragging Keaton upstairs to the nearest bedroom. Because that’s what girls do with their boyfriends.

...

Right after Lauren turns eighteen, the girls go on tour, opening for Austin Mahone, and it doesn’t take long before rumors start to fly about him and Camila. The girls actually laugh when the first post hits the internet because they had been taking bets on which one of them was going to end up linked to him.

The interesting part is that Austin seems to be hoping that the rumors aren’t necessarily wrong. He hangs out with the girls whenever he can, trying to befriend all of them, but everyone can see his focus is on Camila. He gets her number and starts talking to her, and Camila think’s he’s funny, but she isn’t so sure that she has anything more than platonic feelings for him.

Well, maybe she is sure, but she doesn’t necessarily think that’s anyone’s’ business but her own. She can talk to whoever she wants to. She can have friends who are boys.

All of the girls seem to like hanging out with Austin just as much as Camila does, at least all of the girls except Lauren.

Lauren thinks he’s a punk and is just out to hook up with her friend, but she doesn’t say anything because, why would she?

Camila gets a late dinner with him after one of their shows, and when she comes back on the bus she runs into Lauren when she heads for the bathroom.

“Get your first kiss tonight?” the older girl asks, and Camila could swear she hears a hint of bitterness in her tone.

“No. We’re just friends.”

She really doesn’t understand why Lauren has to act like this sometimes. She really, really doesn’t. 

“Well you don’t want to be a prude for too long, Camz, otherwise he will get bored.”

The younger girl doesn’t even know how to respond to that, so she doesn’t. Instead she goes into the now vacant bathroom and shuts the door.

...

It’s not like Lauren has anything against gay people. She’s actually a very open-minded person, it’s just that none of her friends ended up being gay. What are the odds?

After one of their shows, Lauren’s outside smoking when their tour manager, Gina, comes out. Lauren just smirks because Gina knows that she does this sometimes, and she’s the only one on the tour who won’t rat Lauren out. 

Well, besides Camila. 

“Busted,” the other woman says, walking over to sit down next to the girl.

Lauren rolls her eyes and offers the woman her pack of cigarettes. Gina takes one and lights it.

“Hey, I wanted to ask you something,” Lauren starts, exhaling a puff of smoke, “how did you know that you were into chicks?”

“Did the nicotine go to your head?” Gina replies.

“Shut up. I’m just curious. None of my friends ever ended up gay so I had no one to ask.”

“Ah yes, the classic straight girl inquisition,” the older woman chuckles, “I always knew I guess. I had crushes on girls growing up. I always was more attracted to them than any boys in my class. They always held my attention. I just didn’t realize what that meant until I was older.”

Lauren just nods silently, unsure of what she expected the other woman to say. She figured it would have been more defining than that. Like a lightbulb moment. But the response was so simple. 

“You okay, Jauregui? You wondering if a girl-crush is a real crush?”

She knows that Gina is just kidding by her tone but her reply is hardly convincing. 

“No, of course not. I was just curious.”

Before the older woman can say anything else, the door to the stage flies open and a tiny figure comes running outside.

“Lauren Jauregui! What do you think you’re doing! You promised me we would watch the next episode of Skins after our set,” Camila half-yells as she marches over to the two figures sitting on the cement wall. 

Lauren’s laughing but Camila grabs the cigarette out of her mouth and throws it behind the older girl. 

“Camz, you’re supposed to put those out before you fling them away. That’s how fires start, you know.”

Camila places her hands on Lauren’s cheeks and puts on her ‘fake-angry’ face.

“You know I hate when you smoke.”

“I can’t help it. If you want me to keep up my image as a badass, I must continue.”

Camila drops her hands and sighs, “I do enjoy badass-Lauren.”

“See? I’m doing this for you,” Lauren responds, puppy-dog-eyes in full effect. 

“Whatever. Come on, you need to shower before everyone can smell how ‘badass’ you are. And then I need you to get your butt on that bus so I can watch the next episode.”

“Fine,” the older girl breathes out before she jumps up on her feet, “I’ll be in your bunk in a half hour, tops.”

“You haven’t even bought me dinner yet! What kind of girl do you take me for?” Camila playfully jokes as she walks back inside the venue.

Lauren just smirks and turns to say goodbye to Gina, but when she does the older woman is giving her a look.

The kind of look that says, ‘are you sure you were “just curious”?’

Lauren doesn’t like it. 

“You two aren’t going to watch Austin’s set?” Gina says instead, the look disappearing quickly. 

“Do we ever?” Lauren responds before walking back inside herself.

...

Lauren’s cuddled up with Camila in her bunk, watching their fourth episode of the night on Netflix, and all she can think about is what Gina said earlier.

I always was more attracted to them than any boys in my class. They always held my attention. I just didn’t realize what that meant until I was older.

Lauren’s thinking about Alexa, and she’s thinking about that girl in her first grade class she thought was so cool, and then she’s thinking about that senior from her softball team who was totally gorgeous, and now she’s thinking about how close she is to Camila right now, physically, and she’s about to have a meltdown. 

She immediately says she’s tired and goes back to her bunk, wishing more than anything she could scream into her pillow.

Lauren has finally realized that those butterflies she feels when Camila touches her are the one’s that she was supposed to feel with her boyfriends but never did. 

She was just too oblivious to realize it.

Because she never gave her feelings a second thought. Until tonight. 

And she hates herself for it. 

...

The boyband on tour with Austin and the girls are terrible influences, Lauren knows that, but they have the alcohol so she goes into their room without hesitation. 

They actually get to stay in a hotel tonight because their next show tomorrow is only two hours away. The rest of the girls are so exhausted they all go back to their respective rooms, leaving Lauren alone with the guys. Lauren’s not one to drink before a show, but tonight she is because she doesn’t think she can stand to sit in a room alone with Camila after everything she’s been thinking about this past week. 

She takes shot after shot until everyone is on that level where they think that sitting in a circle, in a small room, while drinking, is actually fun. Lauren’s so drunk now that when she see’s the white lines on the bathroom counter she’s not even afraid, and when the guy’s see her eyeing them they ask if she wants a taste. Her conscious went out the window seven drinks ago, so she doesn’t even hesitate before taking the rolled up dollar bill out of their hands. 

Lauren’s a mess, but she knows what will happen if she stays any longer, and she doesn’t feel like hooking up with any of them, so she leaves. She manages to make it back to her room without attracting any attention. Lauren’s never done anything past smoking weed a couple of times, she she’s not sure that she likes the way the drugs are making her feel.

She walks through the door to her room and see’s that Camila is still awake, sitting on the chair in the corner, laptop open in front of her. She smiles and stands up when the older girl walks in, and it’s the first time that Lauren thinks she hates that stupid smile. She thought she would be asleep. She hoped she would be asleep.

“Hey you. Are you drunk?” the younger girl asks.

“Maybe.”

Camila laughs and Lauren flinches at the sound.

“It’s funny when you’re drunk. You get all flirty.”

The younger girl is standing in front of her now and reaches up to playfully touch her cheek, but Lauren slaps her hand away before muttering, “don’t touch me, you fucking dyke.”

She says the last two words under her breath as she walks past her friend and over towards the desk near the window. The mood in the room immediately shifts, and if Lauren could have seen the look on Camila’s face in that moment, she would have apologized on the spot. 

But Lauren isn’t being Lauren right now.

“What did you just call me?” Camila spits out, her hurt morphing into anger.

Lauren laughs bitterly, “I said don’t touch me, you dyke.” She enunciates the last word so clearly that there is no mistaking what she’s said.

Camila has never been a fighter, but Lauren must have really hurt her with that because she doesn’t miss a beat before replying.

“Takes one to know one.” 

Lauren’s blood boils. Her blood boils because it’s true. Boils because she was the last one to know, and who the hell doesn’t know that about themselves.

The drugs take over. She snaps.

She rips the telephone that’s sitting on the desk out of the wall and launches it in the younger girl’s direction. Camila avoids getting hit, but soon the entire room is being torn up. Lauren’s throwing everything she can get her hands on. Lamps, clothes, make-up, trashcans, Camila’s laptop, everything. The TV cracks when it hits the floor, and Lauren can feel herself yelling but she doesn’t know if she’s saying coherent words or just making noises. Camila is yelling too but she can’t make out what she’s saying either. When Lauren has sufficiently trashed every object in the room she starts punching the wall.

She throws a punch for every time someone told her she should like boys. She throws a punch for every time she ignored her feelings for Alexa, or Camila, or that blonde girl in her class, or Camila, or Camila, or Camila. Then she throws a punch for every time she was too god damn stupid to realize what she felt wasn’t normal. She throws a punch for every time she didn’t even think about the potential that she was gay.

Is gay. Lauren throws a punch for that too.

There’s a hole in the wall now but she can’t stop. She see’s the blood on her hand, but she can’t feel it, so she doesn’t stop.

She can finally make out what Camila is yelling at her.

“Stop Lauren! Please, stop. Please, Lauren!”

Just as the older girl pulls her arm back to punch the wall again, Camila tries to come up behind her and grab her, but instead she ends up taking an elbow to the chest. Hard. She falls and the sound of her hitting the ground is what snaps Lauren back to reality. Camila is bawling, there’s mascara smudged all over her face and she’s clearly hurt, hand over her chest. She’s had the wind knocked out of her but she’s still trying to choke out words.

“What...the hell...are...you on?” she half chokes, half cries.

Lauren can’t move. There’s knocking at the door that won’t stop and suddenly the door flies open, their manager barging in, key in hand. Dinah, Ally and Normani come in after him, immediately rushing to Camila’s side.

Lauren knows that they are asking her what happened but she just can’t speak. Their manager looks into her eyes before mumbling, “Great, she’s totally coked out.”

He drags her out of the room and down the hall and Lauren doesn’t remember anything else after that. It all goes black.

...

Lauren wakes up in a clean hotel room with her hand bandaged and a terrible headache. She rolls over and see’s her suitcase and bags next to the bed, already packed. Their manager is sitting on the other bed, typing furiously on his blackberry. 

“Great, you’re up. Get dressed. Your flight leaves in two hours.”

“What?” Lauren croaks out in reply, “We have a show tonight.”

“Not anymore, thanks to you. If anyone asks, you all have the flu. You’re going home.”

“For how long?”

“We don’t know yet. You need to get your shit together. Be in the lobby in ten minutes.”

He leaves. Lauren feels empty.

She rides to the airport alone. She doesn’t see any of the girls on her way out.

...

Lauren’s been in Miami for two days, holed up in her room, collecting her thoughts and she can’t help but be happy that management didn’t tell anyone’s parent’s what happened. They just said the girls deserved a break before they started to promote their new album. She wonders if any of the girls told their parents the truth themselves, but she really doubts it. No one wants to know that their newly famous daughter is part of a band that has members blowing coke the night before a show. 

She calls Dinah first, then Normani, then Ally. She apologizes and apologizes and they all must hear how genuine she is because they believe her. They also believe her when she says that she will never touch hard drugs again, and that when they get back to work she is going to behave. 

“Look, I don’t know what you’re dealing with personally. But just figure it out okay? The three of us don’t really know what happened, but I know you weren’t yourself that night. Just make sure that when we get back to work, you’re Lauren again,” Ally says sincerely, mirroring what the other two girls said previously.

It’s almost too simple, Lauren thinks, until every single call ends the same way.

“You really, really need to talk to Camila. You hurt her. A lot. ”

...

Lauren knows a phone call isn’t enough. It’s almost ten at night by the time she has the courage to get in her car and drive.

...

Camila’s mom looks a little surprised to see Lauren at the door so late, but she doesn’t question her and tells her that Camila is upstairs in her room. As Lauren walks up the stairs she starts having flashbacks to the many times she’s climbed up these before. Before there were so many cameras, before there was a record deal, before she realized that wanting to kiss Camila wasn’t just a best friends thing.

She’s such an idiot. How can someone be so blind when it comes to themselves?

She reaches the familiar door and quickly knocks once before she loses her nerve. She hears a muffled, “come in!” knows its now or never, and turns the door knob. She walks inside and quietly shuts the door behind her. 

Camila looks up and sees who it is, and she quickly slams her laptop shut, gets off her bed and stands up. Lauren’s surprised she already has a new laptop.

“I would have bought you a new one,” Lauren says, gesturing towards the computer.

“What are you doing here?” Camila responds, ignoring her comment.

“I came to apologize.”

“For what?” Camila laughs bitterly, clearly on the attack, “Doing coke? Calling me a dyke? Throwing a phone at my head and knocking the wind out of me? Or, wait, for breaking my computer and trashing an entire hotel room?”

Any effort Lauren had put into keeping it together quickly faded and silent tears started rolling down her cheeks. Camila’s eyes softened at the sight, and her tone dropped before she spoke again.

“I’m sorry, that wasn’t fair of me –“

“No, you’re right.” Lauren interrupts, “I’m sorry. For all of it. I know that’s not enough but it’s all I can say. I’m so fucking sorry, Camz.”

Camila takes a step towards her, and the v-neck she’s wearing falls down enough so that Lauren can see the top of a deep bruise right under the girl’s collarbone.

“Did I do that to you?”

The younger girl stops moving towards her and readjusts her shirt to hide the bruise. Lauren starts crying even harder.

“I know you didn’t mean to hit me, you didn’t realize I was coming up behind you.”

“But I did hit you,” Lauren is sobbing uncontrollably now, “I didn’t see you but I still did that to you.”

They stay like that for a few minutes, Lauren crying and neither of them saying a word. 

Once the older girl has calmed down and started breathing slower, Camila speaks again.

“Why’d you do it Lauren? The drugs, the meltdown. What’s going on with you?”

Lauren knows that she has to be honest, or at least try to be, because if she doesn’t answer this she knows that the girl in front of her will walk. Walk right out of her life. And she can’t think of anything more painful than that possibility. 

“Do you remember your first crush?” Lauren asks quietly.

“What?”

“You know, your first crush. I had mine when I was in first grade. Do you remember yours?”

“What does that have to do with anything?” 

“Mine was Megan Jones.”

Camila is silent. Her eyes have gone wide, but she isn’t saying anything. She’s looking at the girl across from her intently, as if she’s starting to put the pieces together. Lauren has to laugh to herself because she knows Camila probably did already put the pieces together a long time ago. That would be her luck. But she’s never heard Lauren say it out loud, so that has to be something kind of shocking, right?

“Wanna know what the funny part is?”

“What?” Camila responds, still frozen in place.

“I didn’t realize she was my first crush until, like, a week ago. Isn’t that hilarious? It took me that long to realize that my first crush was on a girl. And every crush I’ve ever had after that has been too. How pathetic is that? I literally didn’t realize it for eighteen years.” Lauren’s sarcastically laughing because it really is comedic, if you think about it.

“Lauren...”

“So that’s why.” Lauren cuts off the other girl, “I got really drunk to forget about how dumb I am, and then I figured that drugs would make me forget even more. And then when I came back to the room and saw you I just...lost it.”

“Why? Because you thought I wouldn’t support you?”

Camila asks it in a way that lets Lauren know that she has no idea how Lauren feels about her. Not really, at least. She genuinely doesn’t get it, she thinks that Lauren was just afraid to tell her that she likes girls. She can be so naïve, but Lauren kind of loves that about her.

Love. There it is. Lauren loves Camila. She really, really does. 

“No. Becau–”, Lauren gets cut off by the loud ring of the younger girl’s cell phone.

“Shit,” Camila mutters before grabbing her phone off the bed, ignoring the call, and throwing it back down. She’s quick, but not quick enough. Lauren see’s the name on the screen before she hits ignore.

Austin.

She loses her nerve in that moment, because for all she knows they’re in love with each other, and he’s calling to tell her to come back to LA soon. 

“What were you saying? Because...?” Camila speaks again, her eyes burning holes into Lauren’s. The older girl can’t seem to find any words so she’s just staring back at her.

People had always joked that Lauren and Camila were on the same wavelength, that they must have ESP or something, but in that moment Lauren swears that she really does hear Camila’s voice in her head. 

It’s saying I need you to say it out loud. Please just say it out loud.

But she’s scared, so she doesn’t.

“Um, no, you were right. I was just scared you wouldn’t be supportive. That’s all.”

She swears that the second the words leave her mouth she see’s Camila’s heart break. She see’s it in her eyes. She doesn’t know what to do with that, though. She thinks she must be hallucinating again.

“Oh,” the younger girl says, “Well, it doesn’t bother me.”

“Cool, good to hear,” Lauren replies, wiping another stray tear from her eye, “It’s late, I should probably get home. I just wanted to apologize. I promise when we all get back to work I’ll be better.”

Lauren’s swiftly moving towards the door, reaching for the knob, trying to get out of there as soon as possible so that she can properly break down, when she feels a hand on her arm, and it spins her back around. Soon there are arms wrapped tightly around her, and she can feel a breath on her neck.

Camila hugs her without warning, and she’s not letting go. She doesn’t say anything, and they stand there together for quite some time. 

When the younger girl finally pulls away, Lauren can see the top of that damn bruise again, peaking out from the neckline of the other girl’s shirt, and for a minute she forgets about her doubts and she forgets about Austin Mahone.

Lauren gets bold and leans down, gently moving Camila’s shirt so that she can see the entire bruise and she slowly presses her lips to the purple skin, lightly kissing it. She feels the younger girl tense up at her touch, and then she feels that her heart is beating rapidly, so she pulls back and meets the girl’s gaze.

“I’m sorry,” Lauren mutters, unsure if she just ruined everything.

“I’m not,” Camila whispers.

She swears she hears the younger girl’s voice in her head again. Maybe everyone was right about that damn ESP.

This time it’s saying, just fucking kiss me, Lauren.

So she does.

...

“My wish came true, you know,” Camila says randomly, months later when they are laying in bed together.

“What wish?” Lauren responds, kissing her girlfriend’s shoulder.

“Fireworks. My first kiss felt like fireworks. It was memorable.”

Lauren smirks, “So at least Austin was a good kisser?”

“No, I never let him kiss me.”

“Wait, really? Does that mean...”

Camila rolls over and kisses the older girl, long and slow.

“You are the only person who has ever set me on fire, Lauren Jauregui. Don’t ever forget that.”

...

Lauren is twenty-six and she’s rewatching Beauty and the Beast. She thinks that her five-year-old self would still be proud, because while she doesn’t have a prince, she knows that she has definitely found her Belle.


End file.
